Darwin Awards (the winner was golfing...sorta)

[OlderThanDirt]

Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who did the gene
pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

The nominees this year in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end
was inserted into his [censored] for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances
of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive , Reston , VA , man was found dead after
he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was, "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.


2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket
and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of
as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER IS:

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his [censored] in the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's [censored] in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the [censored] was the weakest link. Sanchez's
[censored] was ripped open during the fall, and one [censored] was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
[censored] was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult
to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased
from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself with. Sanchez was
rushed to the hospital for surgery... The remaining threesome were asked
to leave the course.

NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the [censored] didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of stupidity, we have allowed it.

[Larry_Warrilow]

i could [censored] up about all that stuff, except that none of it has appeared on keith olberman's "oddball" segment, which is the ultimate fact check site, especially to the detriment of the [censored] administration's apologia concerning their overall incompetence in almost every area of foriegn policy and domestic security. lw

[Larry_Warrilow]

haha, even the name b u s h is getting censored on this site. times are getting increasingly tough for this white house which they richly deserve. lw

[OlderThanDirt]

Yeah....there is much doubt whether or not any of those 'awards' are true stories, but they're still fun. Of course they'd be more fun if the auto censor here wasn't such a prude. I cannot believe what is censored here....words like s t u p i d, s c r o t u m, t e s t i c l e s, i d i o t, and my personal favorite, especially for a golf site: "b a l l s". So much for free speach.

[HTP_ErnieB]

Yeah....there is much doubt whether or not any of those 'awards' are true stories, but they're still fun. Of course they'd be more fun if the auto censor here wasn't such a prude. I cannot believe what is censored here....words like s t u p i d, s c r o t u m, t e s t i c l e s, i d i o t, and my personal favorite, especially for a golf site: "b a l l s". So much for free speach.

"Free" Speech?

Yell "Bomb!" at a crowded airport and see how "free" speech is...

[Grant_M]

Ya gotta be crazy to drop the bag and nuts into the topflite washer.

[OlderThanDirt]

Uh Ernie....this is not an airport, nor did I yell bomb. I simply posted what I thought was humour worth sharing. That old cliche you threw into the mix has nothing to do with my comments about the ridiculous level of cencorship here. If you disagree that's fine, but would prefer that any discussion of it remains on point.

Personally, I object to many forms of censorship...especially on the internet. While I realize much of what some low-lifes might say can be offensive, I'd prefer that they be allowed to show their true nature so I can choose to ignore them or not.

I also certainly recognise that Mark can do whatever he wants with what he has invested so much time (& money) into. But, once again.....to see the word b a l l s censored on a golf site was just a bit much.

Just my humble opinion.

[HTP_ErnieB]

Lighten up.

[OlderThanDirt]

Why? I'm at the perfect weight for my height!

[HTP_ErnieB]

Me too...




...if I were 7 ft 8